My 20th Post, for the 20-year-old Me

I’m approaching 20 in less than 2 months time.

For the ump time in my life,

I tried to sit down and reflect on my life.

And I thought

‘Wow, I’ve accomplished so much, I’ve been through so much’

But then, there are many things that I’ve always wanted to do,

things that I thought I’d do sometime in the future,

things that I just couldn’t find the time to do,

or dare not to step up to.

And the things I’d accomplished,

well, they’re not like I’d put in great deal of efforts for them.

I don’t even know how I managed to get through them,

I just, did.

Sometimes it feels like life has its own way,

it just, happen,

and I’m not part of it.

Not part of my own life, as ironic as it might sound.

I thought I had a great education,

education that will prepare me for what’s awaiting ahead.

As if I know what’s ahead.

I don’t.

I followed the path of others.

I tried so hard to persuade myself

to take the road walked by others.

As for the trail not taken,

unwillingly, it will remain untaken, unexplored and unknown to me,

to the rest of my life.

There’s this one part of my own life

that I choose to ignore, choose to pretend that it never exists,

choose to tell myself that I’ll be fine

as long as it is remained deep inside,

forcefully suppressed and remains as the not-to-be-spoken.

But as I grow older, it’s pulling me backward, it’s drowning me.

I frown, more than I can recall,

not even to my own consciousness.

I choose to stay back, rather than to fight for what I want.

When my reflection stares back at me,

I don’t even see myself anymore.

It’s true what people say about negative energy.

It consumes you.

It injects lethargy, it spreads hopelessness.

For where faith and joy no longer exist,

it calls triumph on itself.

I wanted to move on, for many years I tried to.

Nevertheless, I ended up falling back, every single time.

And today, something just dawn on me.

I realise,

moving on doesn’t always mean leaving something behind.

For perhaps accepting my past

is the only way I can be inspired to carry on,

with what I have, accepting who I am

and hopefully,

when the next thought is being written,

I’ll be a better me,

if not a happier me…